Even though people are returning to the office, many of you were able to swing a few WFH days, which you have cleverly converted to WFTC (work from the cafe) days. If you are one of these clever ones, you’ll already have a grasp of what is acceptable practice. But for those who are looking into this premium office environment for themselves, or perhaps just indeed a refresher – here are some do’s and don’ts cafe office etiquette.

1. Buy something.

2. Buy something in proportion to the length of time spent in the establishment. I think one item per hour. And the walk from your seat to the counter to order doubles as your five minute ‘get up and stretch’ routine which maximises brain function and blood flow and therefore productivity and therefore increases your company value figure! That muffin just paid for itself!

3. Keep the spreading of paper files to a minimum. Don’t lay your colour coded manilla’s on the table next to you because someone is sitting there and doesn’t want your underwhelming communication for strategic implementation report in her piccolo. Actually that can go straight to the recycling bin.

4. Don’t run your extension lead across the shop floor. But if you must, bring your own hi-vis cable protector to lay down over it. And one of those small A-Frames which says ‘slippery when wet’ for extra precaution.

5. Do not ask the customer sitting next to you to sign legal documents. Particularly those pertaining to relationship stat decs and alibis. It’s presumptive, even impolite in some circles.

6. Don’t be shy about playing solitaire or tetris on your break. It’s more gentrified than Candy Crush, so less shameful when other customers can see you slacking off.

7. The cafe environment is suitable for many types of workers, such as accountants and bloggers. There are other jobs that can use laptops but those are the main two. If you are a professional equestrian it is ill advised you practice your extended canter, harried goose-step or passagy-trot in the confines of this space.

8. It’s okay to hold small team and client meetings in your cafe office, provided you follow these guidelines. Team building exercises such as paintball is frowned upon. Fun, but frowned upon.

9. Master the art of the inside voice on zoom meetings. Surprisingly, nobody cares about your proficient bond trading options on the NFP market so keep your voice down. Unless you have a meeting outlining Zac Efron’s Australian travel itinerary as that’s more of a public service announcement and should be able to be overheard. Also don’t talk in a creepy whisper. ASMR is very off putting if you’re not expecting it.

10. Don’t spill cappuccinos on your computer. If you have to spill something, make it fizzy water because apparently that’s good at cleaning things.

11. Offices always have at least one supremely weird person to provide a morale stimulus package to the workplace. If you’re working remotely, that role has been appointed to you. Do bring a rubik’s cube to talk to, wear those oversized earrings of Australian native animals beloved by Boomers, bring a pot plant to sit opposite you – something to give you a quirky idiosyncrasy to delight and bewilder the cafe staffers and customers.